apologia

Eric,

from E.R  this is everything

My second appointment with whom we so grievously refer to as the Grim Reaper` may have been compromised. I have risked my grandest opportunity and greatest gift by electing to linger long enough to indulge in sharing Buddha-like, what I consider as my second great gift with other members of my former low station. Surely I was not aiming at strepitous success yet I was anticipating with pleasure, to find out that I was not alone in this infinite treasure hunt demolition derby kind of event.. Yet, this expectation, was made possible for me to contemplate and thence sacrifice a few years of my life to it, as are most human endeavors; by way of omissions. There is hardly a case of any achievement, any choice that does not invoke this peculiarly human expedient. Yet what I had omitted in my eagerness to be of some pride to myself by being of value to others, was another, and even more fundamental premise of mine. This one states in general but peremptorily that : All is wrong!. All is wrong, all is wrong ! I make myself repeat it daily like a mantra . I knew that to be the ultimate, indisputable and most inevitable aspect of reality, And so, in no way I should have allowed myself to be tempted by the most common of all social and somewhat Christianly tainted delusions of our clever specie. – I presumed that if I tried hard enough and yelled loud enough I could infect a few others with a Pollyanna notion that it would be possible to direct our energy and resources in aligning both our aims, methods and desires without generating the usual ensuing conflicts. In reality I had come to the understanding that no progress that happens by the right means and that takes the right direction is possible except by being strictly limited to honoring one's own gifts and ignoring all other people's needs beliefs and behaviors. And so to fully dedicate oneself to that truth which had miraculously survived and evolved to finally and inexplicably drift into one's own trust .

-All you say?

Indeed! All those human bonds and virtues, all pleasures, arts and those remarkable achievements that makes man so special in this kingdom also reconfirms him as a subject no more or different than a vehicle which as any instrument is of precise value, limited specific use, finite and utterly replaceable. On the other hand, that which in my experience is obviously horrifying, forbidden and finally tragic is so only because it is in fact the most precious, irreplaceable and incomparable state attainable

I will pass Veronica's aplomb observation that I have adopted as my own and spread around whenever I could, and that is, this idea that all is wrong, that indeed all that is common, natural ,conventional, rewarding and convincingly mendacious is wrong relative to a superior potential since it is based on the basic principles of evolution by which nature compensates its total lack of foresight by numerically assuring its chances of success. Therefore, I thought, the fir tree inundates the forest with pollen, the sea hare produces 455 million off springs I believe, and had God been fully aware of hii creature's best virtues and worse attribute- he would not have felt the need to command the eight survivors of the flood, to – Go now and fuck like crazy.

So from these and many other example of the divine economy, I deduced long time ago, that If I had to have a chance to succeed at whatever my purpose might ultimately prove to be, all I had to do to give myself a better chance than everyone else, was to watch and find out what they did, where they went , what they valued and what they believed in etc, and not go there, not do that!

Hell, the food chain ends with man at the top saying and doing all kinds of stupid things trying not to look stupid and out of place either by his self confirmation to a greater entity and an ulterior grand plan or a fatalistic resignation to the banality of chance unfolding to a meaningless conclusion of a fundamentally unnecessary drama .The life of billions has no meaning and no purpose other than to survive and reproduce a crop of living potential which might produce eventually a luminous being whose presence will put to an end to and justify all tribulation simply by impersonating and manifesting the supreme conception to which all things had striven for and yielded to..

And know this my friend, when you are on a runaway train on a dead end siding it is of no import to know how\ long the siding is.. no import whatsoever.

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