Everything Is This: June 2011

29 June 2011

Highway momentino

foisted free will and derivative choices.

Eric keeps trying to convince himself that he paints because he can, And he can indeed! But is`it his choice entirely? let's have a quick look.

Where it not for crucial and fortuitous omissions neither philosophy nor reason altogether would be considered stimulating or even necessary. And so we may continue to debate free will ad nauseam provided we persist ignoring that all choices which we may be presented with during our lifetime derive from our being of which we had no say whatever in the first place.

I decided to be and therefore to be who I am, as much as a maple leaf or a toad. In fact the only characteristic that distinguishes me from anything in existence is my ability to see through the veil of self deception and reveal the sacrosanct, omnipotent and unique will, within which i am allowed to opt out of this grand and most beguiling of all illusions.

26 June 2011

The code of the Nazarene

Most of the new material in this GOT will easily be understood not as a gospel but- as mentioned in the sub-title: “The secret teaching of Jesus” As instructions , or keys for the inner circle of the initiated and conspirators- if any .The rest, most of which which appears in other Gospels is not at all for only those with "two good ears" . Oh! and by the way , when he does say that, he really means it.

The disciples must have hung around, for other reasons for none of his secret sayings seem to be in their range.

In the secret sayings of Jesus!one must look at the material as a seeker. One with good ears and who is not looking for personal salvation, nor for the presence of the “father" outside of himself, but rather for the secret passage to "the father" within. This treasure comes buried in the field, as Jesus puts it, the field ( our living body-) that is inherited through generations and is not normally looked for let alone discovered 'till someone starts questioning and digging ! Other sayings refer to our difficulty or inability to see what is, for what it really is. # 83 - like the image of the father--(father being ones' ideal form ) and the image of the material object being confused in each others' glare.

*but it Starts so-

*"Whoever discovers the interpretation of these sayings will not taste death."

2. -Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel, and will reign over all. [And after they have reigned they will rest.]"

2 (DISTURBED IS THE KEY WORD! One cannot emphasize this enough- See #13 - "If I tell you one of the sayings he spoke to me, you will pick up rocks and stone me...)

Those who are looking for something do so because obviously they feel that something is missing. Therefore they should continue to look for it until they find it. They should neither desist nor turn their attention to some acceptable substitute. When they will find the real thing that had appeared to be missing, they will be disturbed and surprised to know that it had not been missing at all but that in their ignorance and fear they had rejected it. And they will be shocked and incredulous because the reason for rejecting it had been so impressive. They will then marvel because that which they had rejected outright now conferred on them the power to reign over all and thus make them at peace.

ps, this interpretation needs further elaboration which would be difficult.... very difficult at this time.

"*

22. Jesus saw some babies nursing. He said to his disciples, "These nursing babies are like those who enter the (Father's) kingdom"

22 The nursing baby is oblivious of anything else, he is nursing and nursing is both world and heavens and himself.

---They said to him, "Then shall we enter the (Father's) kingdom as babies?"

---Jesus said to them, "When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner, and the upper like the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male will not be male nor the female be female, when you make eyes in place of an eye, a hand in place of a hand, a foot in place of a foot, an image in place of an image, then you will enter [the kingdom]."

22 This is A Gorgeous piece! A step by step disassembling of a dual "reality" while simultaneously replacing it with an identical but non relative nor conditional reality.

3. Jesus said, "If your leaders say to you, 'Look, the (Father's) kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the (Father's) kingdom is within you and it is outside you.

When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."

3 knowledge is your heritage, without it you are poverty. In poverty you are easily persuaded that the wonder is elsewhere and so you are separated from it. When you will understand that as you are part of this living realm as much as this realm is living part of you, you will know yourselves without separations or limits.

4. Jesus said, "The person old in days won't hesitate to ask a little child seven days old about the place of life, and that person will live.

4 The fundamentals of life are the same at any age, here Jesus says that a child barely a week old knows as much about life as I or most old men. And it is so, because all the accretions of age are but tools and adornments to the simple fundamentals that a child naturally reckons with from the first day. Apart from libido no fundamentals are added no matter how long a mind attends with greater and greater ingenuity to the necessities of the individual and member of a group. It will never accidentally fall upon and recognize an absolute since the particular cannot comprehend the absolute unless it first comprehends absolutely all of itself. Being perfectly self knowing the particular needs not develop its existence by error against its own absolute essence since absolute knowledge even of a particular tantamount to absolute knowledge and absolute essence...

8- jesus said, "The person is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of little fish. Among them the wise fisherman discovered a fine large fish. He threw all the little fish back into the sea, and easily chose the large fish. Anyone here with two good ears had better listen!"

( This is a trick parable, not part of secret teaching. I would not normally bother with horse sense as this or plain moral aphorisms except in this case it illustrate the master's keen choice of metaphors that will discriminate against dull minds. It helps one in this case, to keep in mind the parable of the 99. This intended ambiguity is also evident in the parable of the merchant and the pearl and it is declared by him in # 62- I disclose my mysteries to those [who are worthy] of [my] mysteries. )

8- A practical fisherman would not throw away the small fry, he might sell the big fish and make a good fish soup with the small fishes. Likewise a practical mind, would not be clear on the behavior of the “wise” fisherman nor its implications. I know philosophers and theologians in fact who cannot completely disregard the “small fry” and so are continuously distracted from their main goal. So here too the two good ears have better pay attention .

29 -Jesus said, IF the flesh came into being because of the spirit, it is a marvel, but if the spirit came into being because of the body, it is a marvel of marvels. Yet i marvel at how this great wealth has come to dwell in this poverty.

29 - Likewise one may marvel at how such poverty came to dwell in such great wealth! Later in 87 he will clarify it - Jesus said, "How miserable is the body that depends on a body, and how miserable is the soul that depends on these two."

Gorgeous! here the body depends on the idea of the body and the soul is miserably forced to depend on the two

"

10. Jesus said, "I have cast fire upon the world, and look, I'm guarding it until it blazes

10 ' this is a echo of I brought a sword not peace. It is one of the clearest and historically great consequences of his philosophy and teaching . Before him, people did not have to decide on a particular belief system and live according to its strict principles. Those mandated by society , customs and laws sufficed and a citizen biggest decision approximating a spiritual duty was which God to propitiate for which occasion or purpose. After Jesus a ritual was not enough, a decision to an unconditional spiritual commitment to a set of ethics and dogmas was essential. The soul had acquired the social equivalent of duty,responsibility, reward and punishment.

13. Jesus said to his disciples, "Compare me to something and tell me what I am like.".......................... Thomas said to him, "Teacher, my mouth is utterly unable to say what you are like."

Jesus said, "I am not (singular- your teacher). Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated from the bubbling spring that I have tended."

13 Thomas has been enlightened [ intoxicated] by personal tutoring by jesus, so he is unable to verbalize his surreal knowledge of Jesus.

11. Jesus said, "This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die.

11 -This reality will prove illusory and because of it the other invalid,. Therefore those who are unaware of this ,do not live, [they are necessary links] on the other hand those who are aware of it will not perish

7- Jesus said, "Lucky is the lion that the human will eat, so that the lion becomes human. And foul is the human that the lion will eat, and the lion still will become human."

( the lion represent power. In this particular case the power of a concept, a true concept in one case and a false concept in the other).

7- Therefore great is that power that the human will acquire so that this power will become human power, and foul is that human which will be absorbed by an (evil) power, whereby that power also [regrettably] will become a human trait.

15. Jesus said, "When you see one who was not born of woman, fall on your faces and worship. That one is your Father.

15- Simply meeting someone who has so thoroughly transformed himself that he has very little in common with an ordinary person.

n.b. (I make no distinction between man's genders when it regards common problems or aspirations that are not directly related to procreation )

17. Jesus said, "I will give you what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, what no hand has touched, what has not arisen in the human heart.

17- Here he states his mission and exercises his power upon us which is the power of truth. and so though most of us may remain uncommitted we can no longer be unaware of it and do so with impunity. He has set our souls on fire.

***

30. Jesus said, "Where there are three deities, they are divine. Where there are two or one, I am with that one."

30- Where there are tree virtuous persons it is a divine thing, but where there is two or one virtuous person (struggling-or going at it alone) , I have got to be with that one!

2b, [see 37 also] this is my idea [like everything else]of what appeared to be missing, but was in reality the key stone we rejected as we interpreted its value to be negative or say-zero. In our chosen dual reality death functions as the terminator of life, whereas in a single reality it is part of a total experience, a live portal," Stargate"

through which life's essence flows in a self consciousness promoting rhythm .

In other words in life as a dual system natural death is the constant common denominator to which we attribute the value of zero for it ends in reducing everything that preceded to nothing. Accordingly-and as Ecclesiastes lamented- the durations and import of all life experiences eventually compute to zero. 78 years over zero, or 2oo years, over zero adds to zero, etc. You can add as many years, orgasms, beers empires and in the end everything will still amount to zero. Unless you can change the value of the denominator your net value will always be zero plus x remainder. X being your offsprings which however will automatically be transferred to the account of nature the moment your individual account is permanently closed at zero . By understanding the function of death as a unifier in the unified field of experience- which as i alluded above- must be willingly entered upon and experienced as part of the whole rather than to eschew it and desperately cling to the one half to which we are bonded. We cling until it slips away and thus eventually lose the one outright and forfeit for ever the chance to the other.

[ In "The book of maybes" Gameteus finds himself on a lofty crag's thin ledge in total darkness. He cannot move in any direction except forward into what seems dark bottomless void. To step forwards he needs faith, absolute unquestionable faith that his foot will find the support that did not seem to be there and indeed might not materialize had he but a hint of a doubt.]

The living may decide to die, and thus demonstrate true faith and honor their life, but the dead can never decide one or the other.

Jesus not only makes it impossible to equivocate in the choice of a spiritual conduct but also declares that to cling to life is to lose it. Lose everything. This should explains the shock and the necessity to keep his teaching secret. ...

cont.

19. Jesus said, "Congratulations to the one who came into being before coming into being.….For there are five trees in Paradise for you; they do not change, summer or winter, and their leaves do not fall. Whoever knows them will not taste death."

19- There are five senses in "paradise" just as on Earth. in paradise the senses unite us to all existence and experiences, thus changes cannot arouse concern or threat. In life the same senses juxtapose our sense awareness to everything in range and thus any changes affect us one way or another. Furthermore, in life all changes contribute to our eventual permanent extinguishment without ever- apart for reproduction- disclosing the purpose of our existence. In unity , changes may be renewal and the continuous unfolding and denouement of the eternal purpose. [Here i have to admit that i offer these are guesses based against the known particulars of life and in harmony with the tenor of the text under examination. Also it is evident that the door has opened for all kinds of conjectures, from reincarnation, avatar, deiunification etc. but the emphases and focus should not let us stray too far from the main topic, spiritual emancipation and the role of death in it and in a paradisaical unity.]

56. Jesus said, "Whoever has come to know the world has discovered a carcass, and whoever has discovered a carcass, of that person the world is not worthy."

56 - the world to us is like a fresh succulent carcass to a scavanger, and whoever discovers this to be his world will no longer be satisfied with it

27. "If you do not fast from the world, you will not find the (Father's) kingdom. If you do not observe the sabbath as a sabbath you will not see the Father."

28. Jesus said, "I took my stand in the midst of the world, and in flesh I appeared to them. I found them all drunk, and I did not find any of them thirsty. My soul ached for the children of humanity, because they are blind in their hearts and do not see, for they came into the world empty, and they also seek to depart from the world empty.

But meanwhile they are drunk. When they shake off their wine, then they will change their ways."

27-28, If you do not detach yourself from the material world you will never find your higher self. [I watched a very stupid video recently, called Cosmos , by Carl Sagan]. Most people would no doubt differ violently with me, very much like a drunk might insist that he could drink the oceans or be the best driver in the world. Hubris one might call it. the thing is that we are drunk as Jesus says, and naturally the state one is in impedes one's recognition of that state. So we brag about such silly things as our conquest of space say, while we are well on the way of totally destroying and poisoning ourselves and our planet which we could never ever have accomplished had we not first and foremost completely lost our senses to vanity.

It is a state, he suggests, that is the side effect of an advanced life form that starts out empty, produces in concert great wonders and causes great catastrophes as a specific means of leaving the world as empty as they came.

I do not like to indulge in moralities, not only I am not an exemplar but also probably because such occupation would have neither aim nor end in sight, but I do feel the need to see things in the leveling light of reason. In such light, boasting of being able to drink the ocean is not more improbable nor silly than to conquer space especially considering what we omit to see about ourselves in the light of our hybris. On this he says, #67- "those who know all but are lacking in themselves, are utterly lacking." In fact there is only one challenge and one conquest worthy of man; and it is man.

Part 2.

the code of the Nazarene. Part 2

44. Jesus said, "Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will not be forgiven, either on earth or in heaven."...

A few days ago I had a crisis of conscience. I realized that I was attempting to divulge certain knowledge that a teacher called Jesus (whoever he really was, ) tried to keep secret, or at least make it very difficult for most people who were not in his confidence, to access. Also at first I thought that these secrets were more or less a heterodox or possibly an heretic interpretations or deviations of the local current religious dogmas which the establishment would have enough reason to consider dangerous and an object of persecution. But in reading on , such as logion 44, I was astonished to find that this teacher was not only undermining the local belief ,or the governing Roman religious preferences, but that he was attacking the foundations of any belief system based on supernatural forces or entities. I realized that all references he made to supernatural forces, deities etc., were but a convenient cover, a code to express his view of creation to his disciples and when possible to gain the attention of some rare free thinkers. I believe, and here I may for good reasons be suspect of prejudices in support of my character in the book of maybes - that Jesus, like Gameteus beheld all creation as integral part of himself. So when he says that you may blaspheme the Father, and the Son and get away with it, he is actually saying that you can deny the earth, the sun, people and all things that are exterior to your identity and do so with impunity, but you cannot deny the" holy spirit" of which all things are its expressions. It is not a wild leap from here to assume that this teacher was Pythagorean , which is to say that he believed that the creative sub-stance to all manifest found its source in the power of all the possible numerical sequences and operations. And that indeed as I suggested in " Si fallor sum" the fact that there is a universe is predicated on the inadmissible mathematical sit which would arise when in a hypothetical state the odds of being and not being would happen to be exactly equal.

98. Jesus said, "The Father's kingdom is like a person who wanted to kill someone powerful. While still at home he drew his sword and thrust it into the wall to find out whether his hand would go in. Then he killed the powerful one."

- Jesus often uses words like father,mother, as if they were geometric or mathematical figures, and When it comes to the kingdom of heaven he never compares it to a beautiful oasis or some splendid realm in the sky. Also he often plays with the one and the two when he refers to psychological problems his disciple will have to confront.

But Keeping in mind the metaphor of the lion, here in logion 98 (as in 88, then 96 & 97 and others) he compares the kingdom of heaven to a mathematical problem. A person is facing a big difficult problem at work let's say. So at home, as most of us would , he works at it until he figures out the solution.Once he has the solution he goes ahead and takes care of the problem.

17. Jesus said, "I will give you what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, what no hand has touched, what has not arisen in the human heart."

17 Something that is invisible, does not make a sound, has no substance and has no connection to human passions but is apparently of such great value, can only be the pure and exclusive property of the mind.

esus said, "Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will not be forgiven, either on earth or in heaven."...

17. Jesus said, "I will give you what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, what no hand has touched, what has not arisen in the human heart."

28 - Rubbies!

****

before i go any further I must mention and briefly discuss what i believe is the intellectual (human) constant. The constant that apart from maths and dependent sciences, permits reason to access information that could never be arrived at without omissions. minor or major fortuitous or unknown and sometimes intentional, omissions guide our life, our societies, our policies, our philosophy, our taste, sense of beauty and goodness etc etc, and of course first and foremost – religion. most assumptions in most fields of inquiries and their enterprises owe their success to the ability of the mind to navigate skillfully between true and false on the base of gain versus loss. i am no exception..

No need to go on with that. I will just admit that that certain particulars such as the need for almost excessive secrecy or dissimulation, reiterations and variations of certain points, plus a style with detectable harmonics reminiscent of ,of.... of, yes, algebra! Have made me jump to a certain conclusions.

Here is a good example:

101. "Whoever does not hate [father] and mother as I do cannot be my [disciple], and whoever does [not] love [father and] mother as I do cannot be my [disciple]. For my mother [...], but my true [mother] gave me life."

Of course algebra came much later! But to me that phrase has the construction of an equation... or something.

#98 bis

Other expressions may just be idioms, meaning comprehending, assimilating etc. like eating a lion or "During the days when you ate what is dead, you made it come alive..." An obvious one is drinking, or drinking from my mouth. So how does all this help me understand the Guy in #98, with a terrible foe or a big problem? How does it relate him to the kingdom of heaven. At this point it is obvious that i must ask myself if what the "Kingdom of heaven" evokes in me is the same or even somewhat similar to what the great teacher was referring to. The answer had better be negative. One of the reason that attracted me so much to this gospel was precisely because here i did not have to deal with a comic superhero but with a real person. So I must try to determine what a sage in the wake of the Golden age might have had in mind when replying to questions about the other place or the other third of reality. I say the other third because I take it for granted that it is commonly accepted that the minimum number of elements involved in a situation that can be defined as real are three= subject , object and awareness. O hell! Let me just say that His awareness was something else. This something else is to be looked for in the true meaning of #98,97,96 and others. I Feel I may have a better chance of finding the key to the kingdom with # 98 simply because I have been able to free my attention from the details of the scenario to arrive at its essence which is simply a Classic dilemma. Now I can concentrate on what the problem may be. I know- from the original scene- that It is a powerful problem, that the man needs to build his confidence, that its solution involves violence and requires absolute decisiveness. This factors plus the sayings in 1, 2, and the part of 13 that goes : Thomas said to them, "If I tell you one of the sayings he spoke to me, you will pick up rocks and stone me, and fire will come from the rocks and devour you." tells me that the approach to this version of the "heavenly Kingdom" is not for the fainthearted, certainly not for the grovelers and not even for the virtuous. In Fact it reminds me of a high narrow ledge above a impenetrable dark and seemingly bottomless void. I would say a fair definition of death. Gameteus would say- that which one has to be able to deliver onself to it thus conquering it by defiance.
Deliverance Comes tremendous. Deliverance comes tremendous!
My guess is that those few with two good ears have heard engouh, for the others there are louie schwartzbergers galore!
yeah , it certainly is the desirable, pleasurable, the beautiful , sentimental and the lovable that the guy on 98 is drawing his`sword at. I feel that the few with two good ears have heard enough, for the rest there are louie schwartzeberg galore. AND ON TO BOOBIELAND!

2. Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel,

and will reign over all...

Part 3 -draft

32. Jesus said, "A city built on a high hill and fortified cannot fall, nor can it be hidden."

32. Like man's spirit, never really conquered but never at peace.

33- Jesus said, "What you will hear in your ear, in the other ear proclaim from your rooftops.

33- What you hear deep in your heart, impose it with absolute conviction to the head.

36- "...As for you, when you have no garment, what will you put on? Who might add to your stature? That very one will give you your garment.]"

36- Only the spirit can add to your stature

37- the meaning of it was well interpreted

38. Jesus said, "Often you have desired to hear these sayings that I am speaking to you, and you have no one else from whom to hear them. There will be days when you will seek me and you will not find me."

38- ...

40- Jesus said, "A grapevine has been planted apart from the Father. Since it is not strong, it will be pulled up by its root and will perish."

40- life separate from truth has no lasting substance.

42. Jesus said, "Be passersby."

42- Fantastic! ....

I was stunned!

He deals with the whole hullabaloo of life in two words!

a break, celebrate!

48. Jesus said, "If two make peace with each other in a single house, they will say to the mountain, 'Move from here!' and it will move."

48- No doubt he is referring to a mind undivided, and at peace.

57 Jesus said, "The Father's kingdom is like a person who has [good] seed. His enemy came during the night and sowed weeds among the good seed. The person did not let the workers pull up the weeds, but said to them, 'No, otherwise you might go to pull up the weeds and pull up the wheat along with them.' For on the day of the harvest the weeds will be conspicuous, and will be pulled up and burned."

57. It is becoming clearer and clearer that the "Father " and "The Father's kingdom" have nothing in common with our concept of God and Heaven. 59- refers to it as the living one...

77. Jesus said, "I am the light that is over all things. I am all: from me all came forth, and to me all attained.

Split a piece of wood; I am there.

Lift up the stone, and you will find me there."

77. Gameteus is at he feet of the master. When in Wawanessa he had cried out boldly and yet somewhat resigned: "In the end It is all up to me !" The master simply said: "Split a piece of wood; I am there."

To summate or not to summate, is not even a serious question.

here is another translation of 2, by Thomas O Lambdin:

2- Jesus said: " Let him who seek continue to seek. When he finds, he will become troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the all. 2- for the dummies. ( You may avoid looking , if you do look at it you may regretfully catch a glimpse of the truth, and if you do, you will be troubled, You will be astonished!!! And then -presuming you do not what just about everyone else would do, shake your head and dismiss it, you will be omnipotent.

To be clearer than that, Jesus himself would have to come up to you, knock your blueberry off your hand , grab you by the neck and yell it at your face, Yet even then the most you might get out of it- once you satisfactorily rationalize the whole crazy experience- may be an explainable urge to pick up rock climbing. Close, but No cigar.

Like I said, The truth is that which the mind will not allow in the garden of earthly delights.

ps.

in the final analysis I do not believe Jesus was a jew, or a buddhist, a christian, a pythagorean or bits and pieces of whatever. He was unique both as being unprecedented as well as unequalled.

The cosmos , despite all its sound and fury can only rarely manage to produce such an actor on its stage.

22 June 2011

improvements make crooked roads straight but the old ones ...

Daisies

There is a lot of debris hidden amidst the tall daisies growing wild on what- stretching comparisons to the limit, can be defined as the front lawn to my cabin in the bush. I decided to pick up all the combustible material, like old lumber, plastic, clothing, and other somewhat harder to describe materials, pile it all up for burning at a later date. October maybe, if I am still here. I have no Idea! In fact I don’t even know why I am here in the first place. And worse still, I don’t think it would make any sense to me if I where anywhere else, nor is there anyone in this world or the next that can help me figure it out why it is that I feel so and yet I go on. So often I have reminded the great Geppetto up there that it was a mistake to send me to this world, that I was not ready for it, totally unprepared in fact. And that so I could not be assigned the blame for all my screw ups. But it just happen to be a bright and hot summer day. which I love, and I am in a small field of daisies which I also love and I enjoy particularly being in my usual “deep-in the-bush-summer-outfit” which is, naked except for my black police boots and my ceruleum silk tie with a pink Mickey Mouse. In summer, when I am trashing about in the bush or messing around my cabin I always wear this tie. If someone happened to come to visit me, I would feel naked without it. It is Fulvio’s tie, the one I took off his neck in the subway in Rome so many years ago and the very same one with which I fought off the devil just recently. It is more than a fashion statement, it is my rip cord. Anyway I go about my useless task in a fairly good mood when, quite unexplainably even for a behaviourist I pick a long stemmed daisy, squat, lay the bottom of the stem up between the cheeks of my butt and stand up. Just as I must have expected, it is planted firmly and sticks out in an elegant curve almost a yard out. I am standing in a patch of clear ground so to confirm visually what I feel I turn sideway to the sun to examine my shadow. Indeed, my shadow has acquired a very pretty long tin tail which sticks out almost a yard in a nice elegant curve ending in a button like bud. It is a thing of beauty! I am just amazed at the whole unexpected and spontaneous event! I am tickled pink. I move around cautiously at first, kind of road testing it and repeatedly check my shadow, partly to see that it is holding on and partly because it gives me such a simple, unpretentious and serendipitous pleasure. By and by I find that I can go on with my work, do everything I need to do and the silly thing bounces along happily as I go and I it is not likely to fall off. What an idea! How did the idea form in my head? Was it there all this time? Perhaps even before the big bang? Like in Plato’s cave of shadows, or did the idea took form in response to the contingent elements and various possible applications. Like I used to wear daisies on my ears in the 60s, so this is a variation brought about by the fact that I am naked and engaged in a meaningless task while operating in a field of these flowers. So it had the probabilistic tendency to happen right here and only now to deliver a pure, gratuitous and meaninglessly cheerful private giggle to this old useless fool. And maybe not, but however I now have a long stem daisy sticking out of his arse and it is wonderful! There I was, just as I said, in my glorious nakedness wearing only a once upon a time beautiful Italian silk tie, and suddenly, just as the behaviourists claim these things do happen…Like a dumb bird that starts building a nest without a clue yet that she is doing so because she is about to lay some eggs in it. So there I go, I picked a daisy probably before I knew what I was going to do with it, squat, stick one end of it between my cheeks, stand up, giggle, and way I go happy as a lark for the rest of the day. What an idea! What a silly, useless, stupid ridiculously funny idea! I am so charged up that in time I forget what I am supposed to be doing and in time even that I have a daisy sticking out back there. It is only when the poor thing has wilted enough that I feel the little petal bops against the back of my legs that I am reminded of it and that it is time to replace it with a fresh one. Later I do not even feel the little bops.

I have been at it for a few days now and often I go to bed at night forgetting that the poor thing is still hanging on. It is when I get up from bed in the morning that I am shockingly reminded of it as I see it laying there decapitated. The poor things just loose their heads sleeping with me! And heck, you know what? I get a kick out of it!

***

Crazy right? But where one man might feel the necessity to build himself a monster truck another might get his jollies with a simple daisy. And then, all things being equal, the one related to a daisy could be assumed to be of a finer character…hell, noble! I mean I think, even if not so clearly, that a monster truck’s desirability is established by one’s culture or sub culture and would be totally useless in an intimate and private situation, My daisy does not need confirmation but works directly on my spirit. Of course this is not to say that I would not have felt very smart had some pilgrim come to this Priory Of The Actual with a digital camera. Better even if Bicycle Dick finally decided to pay me a visit. My hirsute wilderness neighbour has been avoiding me like the plague lately. This is a source of great vexation to me. I have no idea why he is avoiding me! When I met this rugged individualist I thought I had lucked out. Someone to talk to way out here! And I looked forward to a long series of stimulating dialogue by the wood stove. But then I felt the same way when I met Bob and Lissa. My optimism did not allow me to realize that they had been virtually dead for the last thirty years. And like most I suppose, the deader they are the more active they have to appear, And to be healthy and live a long time is sometime the only purpose of life. And yeah, to own lots of stuff helps. What at first appears to be a struggle to meet the challenges of life and fulfill its grand promises is in fact little ‘Tuts tending their graves and accumulation all kinds of object that are just as useless in death. Lissa goes at it with the energy and conviction of a 9 year old and If you like to know what it is like to be shot out of a cannon all you have to do is hitch a ride to town with her. And then when Ty appeared on the scene and presented himself as a writer, I promptly fell for that one too. It serves me right. Yet long time ago I decided that I rather take the bumps and the lumps than become cynical. So when he invited me to a potluck, though with some misgiving I accepted and I went. It happened to fall on earth day. Ty had prepared little heart shaped cards with different original sweet aphorisms for each guest and according to his schedule he marshalled all of them out on the lawn, instructed them to form a circle and hold hands as each one in turn thanked Gaia for taking such good care of us while I, having absolutely refused to participate, had to play the only role that is usually left for me; The devil. Perched up on a rock I watched the incredibly naive, puerile scene, and cursed it laughing. Bu then, like the note I left on the billboard, I may be right more times than th average but not always and rarely if ever effective. The M.O. that I have adopted at the end of WWII when I understood how profligate nature does business, is based on the premise that if I want to have a chance in life to get something right, I must watch, observe and find out what everybody is doing and not do that. Like in my dream, I must likewise wait and see where everybody is going and not go there, go the other way. Yet the emphasis I should have kept present in mind was on a chance against no chance at all but still only a chance. Up to very recently I made the mistake of expecting results! So I goofed almost as much as everyone else, but not quite. And as Socrates would say- I know I am a goof. Godamn! If anything bugs me more than the hope, faith, the follow your bliss and count your blessing kind of idiocies that can only thrive in the fields of omission and thanks to omissions, it has to be the advantage, solace and bullying conviction that people derive from their ignorance and immaturity.

Finally Bicycle Dick did it to me. I am recidivist right? Right! Dick sought my company at first as I sought his. But it was not long that he began withdrawing. I tried to compensate by practically soliciting his company at every chance encounter which only made him more elusive. Eventually I felt I deserved an explanation. I tried to locate his den deep in the bush, but failed. I am not a wilderness type; in fact I doubt that I could track a skidder in the bush. Also, having lived 30 years deep in the forest Bicycle Dick had become part wolverine. I would start on his trail that went right by my cabin or at the other end of it where his trail joined the dirt road which is where he stored his heavier tools before tackling the steep climb to his den somewhere up the mountain. But no matter where I started the trail would soon split, then split again and so on ‘till I didn’t know which way to go. The wolverine on whom I had pin all my hopes of having some one to communicate and philosophize became intractable. By and by I found out that on Sundays Bicycle Dick pitched for the Boden baseball team so I went to my first baseball game ever. Dick ignored my arrival and then continued ignoring my presence even though I stood out as I happened to be the only spectator and front row behind home base. Yet the old bush denizen who would not normally miss anything in his field of view, appeared to be completely oblivious of my presence. In recompense the rest of it had been a charming experience for me. I watched a group of individuals of all shapes ages and sexes gather on the diamond and proceeded to split itself in half almost as a living cell would do in order to make competition possible. They happened to be shorthanded. I was invited to play. I had never played and I declined not because I didn’t think I could compete at the level of an 8 year old girl or the fat old man but because even as a spectator I felt culturally out of place and slightly uncomfortable and also because I did not want to make my mission even more improbable. So I watched for a quite a while and when I finally decided I had been ignored long enough and I no longer felt any satisfaction would be forthcoming, I left. As I went by Dick’s bike and gear instinctively I grabbed one of his cycling shoes. No doubt Dick would figure out that I had stolen it. I would be the only suspect really plus I had a motive; a desire to retaliate of being snubbed and to his holding a copy of my book hostage for months. I could not imagine why he would do that but he had not returned to me nor had he left it with Bob, or so I was reassured by Bob. Now Dick would have to pay me a visit. He might barge in angry and perhaps violent, but I was really pissed off and so I was willing to risk a punch in the nose for a chance to a clear up the air one way or another. In a city it is natural to ignore and be ignored by people, but when you are one of sixth of the population of a remote area, being ignored and avoided hits close and personal and is intolerable. On top of it I was being ignored by a living legend, the Grizzly Basin’s own mighty Sisyphus! To make it short, I waited, rehearsed, waited some more then began worrying and getting angry. Unable to sleep at about 5.30 in the morning I drove to his roadside depot with the intention of leaving his shoe hanging from a branch and in plain view before he went by and try to forget the whole affair. I had to prevent him taking off on a 135 km ride over a high pass with only one cleated shoe to buy another pair and at considerable expense all of which he could later claim to have been on my account.

In fact I arrived there just as he was finishing loading his work tools on the little bike trailer. Christ! It wasn’t even six O’clock! This meant he was going to work and was counting on a couple hours bike ride to his work site. Whatever belligerence was still smoldering in me was snuffed out at the thought of this old man’s enormous energy and will power. I approached sheepishly with the shoe in my hand, he watched me approach in silence.

“ Don’t you want your shoe?” I don’t remember his immediate reaction because I was expecting a heavy fist. He took the shoe and glared at me then since the window for a punch landing appeared to be closing I began registering his words. “… I am not impressed, not impressed at all!” He growled, “I had the whole team looking for it all over the place!” I realized that the punch would not materialize if I didn’t push it, so I apologized. I don’t remember what I said because now I was so relieved that I might not be seeing a dentist. He asked me to repeat my apology. I did in a thinking aloud way. I had messed up, no doubt about it and I was sorry. I did not see him for a long time after that nor did I go looking for him. I have moved since then and recently I bumped into him in the town of Phdton. I walked straight up to him so that he could hardly avoid me. We exchanged a few words and then , don’t ask me why, but in public place I reached for his ass and gave it a wishful squeeze.

But to get back to the shoe incident, after I had returned I felt I had to tell someone my daisy epiphany and so I went looking for Bob to share it with him. Bob giggled and then quickly warned me not to tell Bicycle Dick about my queers’ delight. It struck me as really odd of him to say that, and I made no effort to hide my perplexity.

“Dick is spreading the word that you are an old faggot and that you are shamefully throwing your rear end at him ” Bob explained. Well, I be damned! So that’s what was eating him! I did not know what to think of it but eventually I found it humorous.

"That is just great... Just great! Now beside being 135 Km from a good cigar and already a persona non grata in the fair town of Boden, I am an old faggot with a motorcycle gang posse on my tail! "

"A Posse....How is that? "

"Well I checked out the bulletin board a few days ago where I saw the community’s appeal to donate for the biker that got hit by a deer..."

"O Yeah, broke his neck poor guy!"

"Yes, tough! But I couldn't refrain to scribble a short note on the page. like: Yeah, Sorry and all that, but I’d really like to know how the deer made out!

It didn't go over very well."

But you see there was no mention of the poor deer’s fate at all! And furthermore I knew that it was not a simple slip but a callous attitude to any suffering that is not human suffering. In fact Man has even created a god that reflects his own presumption and prejudice. In the explanatory narrative man’s suffering is a penalty for having offended his imaginary creator. All other creatures’ suffering seems gratuitous and could be ignored. It would be just a nuisance to recognize and have to justify all the little creatures’ sufferings. It would also imply that all creatures great and small had failed their creators expectations, how embarrassing! Anyways, man, this poor Narcissus, has so much favour working against him that he is blinded by it and just can’t sort it out! So it is that his unparalleled grace turned him into a monster, his unequal genius made him a fool and his unique self awareness, an alien. Crazy.

Ty, just dropped by. In this Phd town I have no one to talk except him but only occasionally, and Sky anytime I feel like. Sky is an alien. No I mean a real alien. He looks exactly like the Fakir I took the picture of in Benares in 1916 I think it was. Actually I think it is him. He doesn’t remember much. Anyways when I want someone to talk to I go to the café’ where he sits for hours on end writing things in his logbook. Things that have to do with the administration of this corner of the Cosmo. I have no idea what it is that it is that he is writing or figuring out because Sky writes it down in his Alien language which uses only periods, commas and dashes plus an occasional elegant cartouche. Talking about Dada, experimental or instinctive writing of which I pride myself, justly so or not! Sky is the ultimate. I wonder how long it will l take me to be able to do that. Anyways when I give up trying to decipher what he writing, I ask him, he tells me and the result is the same. Can’t figure out a thing he is saying. Not a jota! Yet he recognizes me as one of them, and he goes on and on as he expects me to understand perfectly but sadly it is only gibberish to me. I have taken the pain to pay great attention to him because all I want to know is if there is consistency in his alieness. I figure that if there is consistency there must be intelligence and if it is intelligence not understanding it must be that it is superior to mine. At least I have an idea of what that is like!

Before I became an old faggot I went by Bicycle Dick one morning, he was on a mountain of logs wielding his mighty axe. He e stopped to say- hello and how are you doing. I generally have no idea how I am doing, it is a complete mystery but on this day I knew I was not doing very well because I had been up all night.

“Not good!”

“ Oh?”

“ I have been up all night gazing at the stars and realizing again how immensely significant I am...” His whole face puckered up to his lips for another more emphatic, “OH?” He posed a moment then with the same puckered expression he went on,

“ I thought it was supposed to be the other way....”

“ Yeah it is the effect expected, and most comply... But you see, size in an infinite place is of no consequence ...”

So , anyways, I am probably repeating myself, but it could have been fun. nay more than that... We could have turned over new ground. With Sky I am probably doing it too, but...

- I have incubated a nasty tooth infection just in time for Xmas. It has proven resistant to amoxicillin, so I had to stop taking it. Dentist not available, doctor doubtful. Neck glands swollen and very painful , can’t even drown my sorrow in my murky green fairy because I am feverish and nauseous as it is. merry Xmas. So I toss and turn, and half asleep half delirious I decide to go with a tooth infection and blood poisoning. It is not choice but what the heck, pharaohs have gone with it. So I do and I have my face off with God Eric would be pleased to know. God is very happy to see me, much happier than I expected ! . So I really let him have it and he laughs and nods in response to my long list of complaints and then, when I conclude by saying that even a stupid fool like me might have had better results he explodes with joy.

. - Ecce homo! He exclaims, finally one who did not come groveling.

I think he is as happy as a god can be and I have another of those taken aback moments that are happening with increased frequency in my old age.. I am nervous as I watch him throw a few of his things in sack and then hear him telling me that I am in charge now. That in fact I am acting God until someone else thinks he can do even better.

- What!!??

- Well that is the way it works. A soon as one stops praying and wants to do something because he firmly believes that he can do better, he gets the chance. I have had mine! He sais swinging his sack over his shoulder and grinning happily. Its all yours now !

- Get back here!

- O no! I have been waiting a long time for this!

- Yeahbut! What am I to do? ,

- Whatever you think you should, you are God now. Ciao! Then I am alone.

- FUCK!

I should not have complained , I should have forgiven Him! I mean, really!..In fact I kind of remember doing it one time or another. Perhaps I didn’t really mean it well enough…
I woke up in a sweat. Got dressed and took off to emergency at four a.m. Xmas morning. That guy up there will have to wait a little longer because right now anything seems better than being top honcho.
I don’t know if this can be of any use to, but if you get the urge to forgive God, make sure you mean it.

***

　

The first thing I did when I got trapped into being God was to get rid of the BIG BANG. I so disliked that flagrantly inane and a displeasingly impetuous concept that it made it worth while for me being stuck with the responsibility of being God..

-BEGONE!

I replaced it with the BIG BLOOM!

Now that’s more like it! Isn’t IT? . Of course I don’t even need to tell you that all I had to do was to change the time frame. Slow it down from a human time frame which made it appear as a tremendous blast to a Godly one, which happened to be my unsolicited privilege. Thus I turned IT into an elegant, musically maestoso unfolding.

However what you may not so easily grasp, is that in doing so I have reinterpreted all things or- being God the prime cause, de facto transmuted all. So, whereas a big bang was perceived as the moment when an infinite amount of energy and matter packed into the tiniest unit of space conceivable (God included) burst forth into chaos and then slowly assumed all kinds of forms in an expanding space/time continuum, with the BIG BLOOM - IT (The present Condition) was created from the simplest and the least possible concept by continuously and incrementally adding intuitive folds .

You may not visualize this directly but reverse engineering the universe using the reductionist method but in a devolving rather than disassembling procedure you will not wind up with piles of junk of smaller and smaller pieces as you go, but you will move to simpler ... simpler and quieter concepts. eventually you will wind down to contemplate the source of IT all in It’s simplest duality. ON/OFF, BE/NOT BE, ZERO/ONE! OR YING-YANG if you like with the element of instability implicitly inherent which like the holy spirit provides the impetus of generating infinite concepts and forms. It turns out then that the Creator is omnipotent, omniscient etc. because it is simply irreducible ( hence unstable) and thus must express itself outwards in becoming and becoming.

There goes another sleepless night.

^^^

I knew what was the next thing I had to do as acting God. In fact I just realized that it was the first thing I should have done as soon as I got a chance. I balked. And now I also know that it would have been be the only thing I would ever needed to do as regnant. To kill man’s second most sacred cow. Kama. I could just see me breaking into Archive 1 and ripping “The pursuit of happiness” out of the old parchment. I have this bad old habit. But what the hell were they thinking? Did they not consider the price? How can one possibly be happy and be just at the same time? unless one is just first? Then it would be superfluous. Such grand foolishness may only go under the heading of: “ Things made possible by omissions”

So I have been procrastinating. Haha! Deus Cunctator! But then what I would be asking would fly in the face of everything that is considered good in life

So, It was this E-mail that got me going…Mission impossible.

On Sun, Feb 14, 2010 at 8:01 PM, karonne wrote:

How do I put this??? Do you think there is any harm OUT THERE? Are there forces and influences that can harm, or if it is all illusion (.) anyway, is there always a possibility of screwing up your mind by opening it up to ideas coming from EVIL people.

I was just watching an educational program called " The Great Sperm Race" In which actors interpret the incredible struggle confronting a quarter of a billion sperms in the performance of their one supreme self destructing task. And I laughed thinking: " Gee, we haven't changed a bit!” The caterpillar and the butterfly are the same thing. Then to answer your questions I thought of Wesley’s (one of them) passionate rejection, which I paraphrase here in lieu of a direct answer, it is paradoxical and provocative enough to be useful:

"To be damned for the things we cannot know !”

IN one of my recent blogs I have suggested that nature does not promote wisdom, on the contrary it considers it as a deadly virus whose spread would threaten its greatest creation. For that purpose, evolution has provided that "Psychological maturity" be arrested in us at the age of 12-14 , that is to say at the age or puberty. All the necessary knowledge, expertise, self esteem, self assurance and consequent bearing are added on in time to the psychological framework of an adolescent so that their prime function may be carried out with reckless vigor and passion. It is easy to appreciate that this can best be accomplished at a stage of development when the subject is not encumbered by a soul well furnished with knowledge and good sense.

Another piece of the puzzle that must be considered here is that just as a man cannot be happy and just, he cannot have a purpose and be free at the same time! That is self evident.

This being so, if man’s is to know the meaning of his existence it cannot be the expression of his will. And the other way around, if it is man’s will it cannot be his purpose.

These, as you said, may be nothing more than mind games, and the source of the inevitable fallacies such as the idea that the mind is meant to do anything other than to persuade you- Little Red Riding Hood- that it is attending to your best interest. That is the ultimate big bad wolf! right? The better to eat you! Yet to be truly evil the big bad wolf would have to intend to eat you just to do you harm! No! I am not prepared to admit that evil is the purpose of life. Or good for that matter! Which would have the knight in shining armor fight the dragon not to save you, but in order to risk his life!... Or does he? How does it go? To seek to save your life is to loose it… and to loose yourself…Mmmh… Something like that.

ACH ! What a confusion I make. I will Go to bed and start all over tomorrow… MAYBE.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… Oh I give up!

And YES DAMN IT! Yes, evil exists! Out there, in here, and is in total control everywhere! It has given us a body drugged - a brain bamboozled. It has addicted us to pleasure, love, dreams, hope and all kinds of sweet delusions. Finally this perfidious genie has DIVIDED and segregated us so that the pursuit of our own pleasure brings us and those with whom we have bonded and give and share our pleasure in conflict with others compelled by the very same desire and conditions. Evil is uncontested, it is regimenting us, and firing us up with passion which leads us into fiercely heroic and bloody campaigns whereby its nefarious mission is advanced no matter which side prevails. And it does all this by the simplest of stratagems! Promising us happiness and investing us with righteousness and frm in our belief that the pursuit of happiness is our God given right, That indeed God rejoices in our happiness! Where else but in hell could we have obtained such conviction? Somehow happiness ( or the means to it) is dealt as a commodity , something one is justified to fight and to kill for. as if it were an object, a territory.

And NO DAMN IT! I Cannot prove intent! So far as I know it is only “I, human” that can do evil or good! Which makes me not only unique in nature but a Demiurge trying unsuccessfully so far to work my way up to demigod and ultimately to Godship. TO SHIVA! Yes, yes, YES! I want to Be the Dancing one! With the third eye as bright as the noon sun, blinding kama and finally reducing it to ashes! Then only, when I have destroyed desire, I shall be free!

Is it any wonder that we are procrastinating?

That to err is divine temptation?

That we doggedly strive to make of this our perfect hell?

NO! The mind “game” will go on, until either will or purpose will be laid dead.

ps. I uploaded the following and went to bed. But I got up twice, read it. Not completely happy with it (ugh!).

delete or not delete?...

I can fix it!

delete it or fix it then ?

those are my choices. But those are my choices if I don't want to look like a fool! How foolish.!

Back to bed.

***

As acting God, I will then march kicking asses - Every Sabbath charlatan, starting with my favorites, all the way to the Sick Children’s Hospital . Yeah! As acting God I could do that! I would be known as the Lotus with a thousand kicking boots! The Shullers, ah sweet tearful Swaggart, icky-oint Chopra, Barby doll Pope Benedict and the Dodolai Lama. And I will command them to perform for Me – God, their Lord is love Rah-Rah routine in a ward of suffering and dying children. Alleviate even if a tithe their pain and terror or match the same uplifting effect on this congress as what they weekly achieve with the pampered affluent in the ostentatiously choreographed splendor of their temple stages Or I swear I will make them all dumb and blind just as they should be. Explain to me your Lord why I should not be able to help a child that cannot be helped by anyone else in the world? Explain why I should let even one innocent child suffer! Indeed , you God damned idiots, why should even a mite or a worm die in pain? Goddamn phony bastards! Yet I would be partly faking my Acting God indignation, because though I despise all those who preach, they are not the problem. Dim witted and lazy people are happy to settle for mumbo jumbo theater rather than even think of venturing into intractable and admittedly unproductive territory of metaphysics. 95% of people (according to the movie : “ Contact”) believe in an ineffable, inscrutable, intractable Deity who created this whole mess. 95 PER CENT! Can You believe that? Of course to my way of thinking this impressive statistic should be interpreted as a strong indication that the Deity they believe in cannot exist precisely because they so firmly and almost unanimously believe in it. And in no way, as long as I am Acting God will I allow a world , not even a small world, not even a small principality up on the tip of a hill on a small world, to be unanimously right about anything. The whole goddamn thing would rock and fall somewhere, Sir Gamateus would be out of a job and even God- irrelevant. And that would be that. It is imperative and ultimately the only condition for this Chaos to achieve a spark of purity which might ignite the whole cosmos with a redemptive light that this intolerable situation be maintained if not even exacerbated in order to provoke one! One soul, one mind one sentient living entity, one impatient disgusted being even to burst! So it isn’t that difficult for me to understand (finally) Why I should have been chosen and not a Galahad, Ttristan or someone even purer, Bush maybe… no, Hell No Reagan! But no, It makes sense that the task, the greatest of all quest in fact should fall upon a quixotic bungling fool whose only outstanding quality is not any of the classic noble values but a doggedly GoDamn all attitude that would balk at nothing. Not death , not Hell, Not God!

Sir Gameteus! TATAAA!

That Is why all religions- so far as I know- totally fail to put into text the unexplainable and unacceptable tragedy of a helpless suffering child. Faith thrives only in the fields of omissions as I said. Not one enlightened man, not the compassionate Buddha, not sweet loving Jesus not Christ, the Roman Superman . Not Socrates, not the Tao. No religion or philosophy has ever attempted to deal with a single case of a 5 or 6 year old child being destroyed by cancer! It means that we have found no conventional logic or any other means to deal with it, and that therefore both religion and philosophy have so far no legitimate role to play in man’s quest to fully complement creation! It appears that we must look elsewhere or at the same scene but with carefully averted vision.

Why must there be suffering? Pain! A child’s pain alters the value of time. The cosmos’ grandeur is reduced to blowing irrelevant litter. The Universe recoils in shame! And reason, reason asphyxiates in a miasma of meaningless prattle.

This is not a job for the great tradition, not for the hero, the pure, the saint, the redeemer not even for God. It is the job for the biggest most arrogant, unyielding fearless son of a bitch ever. One that just can't take it anymore... No! One that just will not take it anymore ! ....

...As I was saying: The job for One that just will not take it anymore !...

Hey, good idea! We should have a "We won't take it anymore! " day. Maybe a couple of billions could synchronize perfectly and yell out… " We won"t take it anymore!" That may register somewhere, it might be observed somehow…- hey look there! - Might look cute even!

But no, I kind of liker the idea of a little old man up on Mount Niut, maybe. Hopeless yes but still undeterred, having one more go at it. Hell, you never know! And actually it makes no difference whether anything or anyone notices it or not. I am up there all alone and I am telling the other half like it is: “I WON’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

So there!

-BEGONE!

I replaced it with the BIG BLOOM!

You may not visualize this directly but reverse engineering the universe using the reductionist method but in a devolving rather than disassembling procedure you will not wind up with piles of junk of smaller and smaller pieces as you go, but you will move to simpler ... simpler and quieter concepts. eventually you will wind down to contemplate the source of IT all in It’s simplest duality. ON/OFF, BE/NOT BE, ZERO/ONE! OR YING-YANG if you like with the element of instability implicitly inherent which like the holy spirit provides the impetus of generating infinite concepts and forms. It turns out then that the Creator is omnipotent, omniscient etc. because it is simply irreducible ( hence unstable) and thus must express itself outwards in becoming and becoming.

There goes another sleepless night.

^^^

So I have been procrastinating. Haha! Deus Cunctator! But then what I would be asking would fly in the face of everything that is considered good in life

So, It was this E-mail that got me going…Mission impossible.

On Sun, Feb 14, 2010 at 8:01 PM, karonne wrote:

"To be damned for the things we cannot know !”

Another piece of the puzzle that must be considered here is that just as a man cannot be happy and just, he cannot have a purpose and be free at the same time! That is self evident.

This being so, if man’s is to know the meaning of his existence it cannot be the expression of his will. And the other way around, if it is man’s will it cannot be his purpose.

ACH ! What a confusion I make. I will Go to bed and start all over tomorrow… MAYBE.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… Oh I give up!

Is it any wonder that we are procrastinating?

That to err is divine temptation?

That we doggedly strive to make of this our perfect hell?

NO! The mind “game” will go on, until either will or purpose will be laid dead.

ps. I uploaded the following and went to bed. But I got up twice, read it. Not completely happy with it (ugh!).

delete or not delete?...

I can fix it!

delete it or fix it then ?

those are my choices. But those are my choices if I don't want to look like a fool! How foolish.!

Back to bed.

...As I was saying: The job for One that just will not take it anymore !...
Hey, good idea! We should have a "We won't take it anymore! " day. Maybe a couple of billions could synchronize perfectly and yell out… " We won"t take it anymore!" That may register somewhere, it might be observed somehow…- hey look there! - Might look cute even!

So there!

Sir Gameteus! TATAAA!

He lied to me, the emperor lied to me! I could hardly believe it. I went away kind of satisfied about the explanation but then i started malling it over. And what would not go down was that bit of injecting some verve, loyalty and preferably fanaticism into the blood of the empire. But hell! The early christians would accept martyrdom for them and their families rather than fight! They went to their death singing like it was a festival ! That extreme dedication to their belief, that fanaticism was precisely what he must have considered so dangerous to the welfare of the society. So if you can't lick them, join them. In this case, persuade them to join. Paul got the message on the way to Damascus. I never studied that part of this historical phenomenon, I was only concerned to glean out of that smorgesborg of Nicea, the true Jesus. I knew from the beginning that before Jesus, religion in the greco roman world, was a matter of trying to influence one's horoscope by propitiating one god or another or a combination of them, there were many choices., After Jesus though this playing the odds was no longer possible because he brought to the forum an idea so radical that upon examination proved impossible to evade. People then, were forced to choose one way or the other. He had brought a sword into the world. Be perfect, he said - you must die and be reborn of the spirit. -you must hate this life- heaven is within you and all of this in the here and now. The kingdom of heaven is spread before you. That is why the young man who had a rich life walked away greatly troubled. Jesus preached the- thou art that here and now! This life was not a stage, this was it. And in a world where life was brutish and short, this proposition caught on. By it they were transformed, and this awesome transformation, the power it gave them to overcome their deepest emotions and fears inspired others to embrace this overcoming, this transcendence of one's natural physical condition and despair. After Nicea, Martyrdom went out like a light almost.
Still interesting though, how did some of these radical ideas survived? There must have been a faction among the bishops who must have fought tooth and nail to preserve the original doctrine, and these sayings of Jesus were included in the gospels to appease them, but it was too little, and the old and less demanding propitiatory custom prevailed with the addition of yet another intercessor. Jesus/ Christ the saviour. It was like a password to the better place, all you had to do according to the Niceans, was to believe that he was the password to that better place.

encounters
Meeting with john and emperor constantine

And because I had finally recognized that mortal things do not befit a mortal as Pindar sang, they are his moira that stultifies and defeat him I was inspired to do something to commemorate the event. I was camping on a beach and what was at hand were rocks! So what came out of it was　 an upsidedown drunk anthropomorphic Eskimo kerns with his mucklocks　 kicking gaily at heaven.* 　It was hilarious beside being emblematic or at least symptomatic of my recalcitrant ways and as I was about to leave I whished that someone could take a picture of it for me. And (with me wonders never cease) here comes synchronicity in the person of Messer John Macfarlane in a canoe on one of his legendary trips to nowhere for lack of better reason heading straight for it to take a picture . We talked and by and by he asked me how we might fare in the afterlife. -Nothing doing then! too late! this is it! I told him, - It is here and now-heaven and hell spread out before you.　 You make it here or you have never been, period. Look not yonder. This is the crucible. Here you can forge yoursef into Zeus or be turned to slag.　 How can anyone think that all this is but a divine playground, a hobby or an experiment.　 Nossiry! this is it. this is the all or nothing event of becoming and knowing it gives you the power to choose.what it is going to be for you and affect the whole shebang in the doing.　 It　 is like a main switch has been provided. It is big, big magic,　 yours and mine. Click! 　　 All limitations gone! The only act of omnipotence!　　 You see when you are, when you are anything at all you are that and nothing also. The void and only the void, is the state of omni-potentiality. anything or everything.　 The so called state of becoming and I can't describe what it is like, because it is the moment of truth...the Tao. But I can tell you that it requires an act of true faith and that when you have that kind　 of faith you are virtually omnipotent. 　Yeah, limitations, that what it is all about, you can have them on or　 off. Nothing is lost potentially all is gained. So what if you have to give up a dubious and miserable reality. Something that is in effect like those dreams one does not recall in the morning! They are not lost because I do not remember dreaming them, would it then matter　 had they been sweeter? Had they lasted a few R.EM s　 longer? All I can say is that if they happened they did so to serve the moment or to fail it.　 So does life, with only one major difference, Now that I am ON, the off switch is available to me, this entitles me . Apart from this, I　 is but a label on a ephemeral event, part of a humongous fractal process to which I am　 but a swirl fading in the distance.　 Folly, especially willful and brave folly, evades the thresher. Everything else goes to the granary where the seeds with only their mathematical code-links in them have been　 planted and reactivated for another season and another try.　 In　 “The Logbook O The sea Of Cortez”, Steinbeck points out how tremendous a premium nature places on this perennial and bounteous recycling. He gives credit to the sea hare as being the most prolific of sea creatures in it that it reproduces four hundred millions offsprings in her lifetime, or maybe even- in a season. I am not sure. In either case this clearly must be taken as an indication that nature can do no more than provide for the best possible odds and that the rest is up to us. in Jesus' words: be ye perfect- or he who loves this life looses... he who rejects it etc, By the way i talked to Constantine about these inconsistencies because　 often wondered how they could have evaded his sharp discernment, or is mom's. I said Tino... Ach no, I said: -My divine emperor. How is it that　 these contradictory statements evaded your sharp judgement and found their way in the sleek and pragmatic presentation the bishops cooked up for you?　　
- Not at all in fact. I imposed those on them, these ideas tickled my intellectual fancy and my mother agreed that they should be included　 just in case they proved valuable to some exceptional future philosopher or theologian.
-Ach, That is simply wonderful, thank you! I just could not see how they would have slipped up on such radically controversial propositions.
- yes, in fact they objected heatedly, they pointed out that including them would lead to confusions among the faithful. I retorted that for confusion to occur one must first provide a mind, and that we were not confronted with a problem of that sort. Anyway, in　 fine I had my way and as you can see I was proven right. Mindless people are predictable, and all I cared about, as you may suspect, was their heroic mindlessness of which they were obviously capable　 to infuse some fresh vigor　 into my anemic empire. I was wrong on that point of course. It did not help, once a social cycle is on a downswing the historical remedy is war against a neighboring society and as it happened　 I was not aware of any that were worth the effort...　　
And in P’yongyang, we are marching.　

TRIPLE LSD

I met my friendly dealer at the Internet caffe’, he was anxious to know how I made out with my first experience. I sent him a copy of my written report to read and I got busy getting confused with a computer next to him. When I finally gave it up he asked me about my triple dose experience. I told him that It was good material for a story and I didn’t want to tell it before I got it down in writing. I assured him that it was funny . Things have a tendency to go that way with me. He then pointed to the computer screen and told me that he had just read the story of the single dose effect and that it sounded like a hell of a good trip to him. It made me laugh because it reminded me of Bicycle Doug ‘s reaction when I told him that I drew a complete blank from the small fortune of magic mushrooms that he had supplied to me. I also explained that the same thing had happened to with Marijuana in the late fifties and again many years later and ditto for Amanita Muscaria. Doug puckered his mouth like he was sucking through a straw. He does that when he is doing some deep thinking, plus he scratched his head, his beard and then even under his arm, which is also the technical part of his thinking process and then with it completed and -I am sure- having considered what I had written all over my cabin and my outhouse inside and out and also my copy of “The Sint” , he arrived at a reasonable if not strictly clinical diagnosis and pointing an assertive his finger at my forehead he said that- You know, things may be so high in there in their natural state that the damned stuff can’t reach it!

Of course By that story alone my friend dealer could not be convinced, which finally prompted me to get at part 2 . Before I do that, I thought I should tell you briefly a bit more about my own reactions to my previous experiments with mind altering drugs. I remember being puzzled at the Marijuana hype long ago and how I felt really surprised when I finally got enough courage to eat a small pie wedge-like of a beautiful red six inch cap of Muscaria. I Expected to be sick and I am rather susceptible by nature so I was doubly surprised when being not only prepared but also predisposed to the rather unpleasant side effect I was spared it and denied the other part. Undaunted I tripled my dose. Same difference. With the rest I made mushroom risotto. For years now amanitas have been part of my summer diet. Sometimes they are so plentiful that I slice them thin and hang them like Carl used to do, to dry them and use them off season, the only thing I must be careful about is the crossing of borders. In Revelstoke One day I found a whole beautiful bunch of them on the grassy median right in front of the Home hardware store. Aand as I was eagerly collecting them, a gentleman approached me and conscientiously warned me about these being a well known poisonous specie. And that was not the only time. I like to add that the L.S.D. 1 failure turned out to be a wonderful experience for me , and just now I am going over the notes that I scribbled in real time on the margins of the book (wouldn’t you know!) “THE LIVING BRAIN” by W. Grey Walter.

11 am First dose ever. - ---------notes following notes following notes and then a really unexpected note!

2.15 pm. Hungry!

Funny, Teresa had told me to eat a good breakfast before starting because later the thought of food might not be pleasant and the actual stuff may look disgusting. But gee, I could eat a horse!

3 pm. It is confirmed beyond any doubt I am starving , I am looking for a horse! Luckily none around. So I make myself a Swiss cheese sandwich. I use my golden ratio, One third bread, one third cheese and one third unsalted cultured European type butter. With it a nice glass of California Franciscan Burgundy and I get back to my post. I check everything out again as I start eating to see that nothing has changed while I was in the van, and everything is the same, and I realize that I have felt this way innumerable times and came to the conclusion that nothing in the world , substantive or abstract could have been added to make the experience, the ease, the pleasure and the synthesis and the sandwich and the wine any more perfect. At 77 free from libido and love this is it! Oh Yeah , I have become one year younger just recently. I met Jim the other day, he is about my age, in fact a year older . Oh yeah ! Got to throw this in it too! We don’t meet very often and so usually it is long enough between to forget each others’ names. So one day I proposed and he agreed that when ever we meet instead of quickly rummaging up there I should simply say “ Hi Claudio to him and he should respond by greeting me by his name” Would work wonderful at parties where To me everyone there would be named Claudio and every Claudio would call me whatever their name happened to be. Anyways I haven’t been to any parties lately but it works really well with me and jim. Oh Yea, so we met and by and by he asked me how old I was. I said 78 because I remembered being 77 the year before and 76 the year before that and so on I have no idea how many years back. But Jim wrecked it like a house of cards with a simple mathematical operation. He is 78, and was born in 32, so being born in 33 I could only be either 76 or 77, but ( Quantum aside) definitely not 78!

Well gee wiz, I was so happy I could have kissed and blessed him. You see I thought I was likely going to be late for my big appointment or maybe even default altogether. This is still possible but as of the other day I stand a good chance of leaving ten years on the banquet of life for the poor. It was- I had decided 7 or 8 years ago- the minimum amount that would give adequate meaning and honor myto my proposition to overcome death by sacrificing ten years of life, and as good as possible a period of life as I could deliver. Now thanks to Jim , I had time to get in good shape again and deliver the full price as I intended in order to deserve the greatest prize. I Came close to failure again recently, very close according to doctor Connaly, but according to doctor Robinson prediction of my life expectancy declared to me 7-8 years ago I am now right on track sgsin. Ye ah, I have made an attempt to add two years to my sacrifice up on Mt Niut , and failed, but then it is possible, and I like to believe probable that I still had things to do. So anyways I will now proceed with my LSD 2 and then I shall be a free man in good shape.

Where the hell was I? I hate reading my own stuff. … mmmh. Oh Hell! I had breakfast, late as usual. But By 12-15 pm I was at my post. The weather had improved –ah that is relative, anyways the sun dominated , no wind, a few summer clouds, the lake calm, a silver platter on which the day’s before scenery was tuned to a brighter contrast, only the cumuli over the Thor and Odin mountains where still hanging about isolated and seemingly posing no threat. I brought all the pillows down- and I have accumulated a lot of soft duck and geese breast pillows over two years… but then one can never have too many soft pillows in life, actually and metaphorically, So I piled them up on the sand against the old log , took my clothes off and laid down on them. Like the Eucharist I placed my three little squares of pass partout under my tongue for a few minutes , then I started chewing and salivating them.

I had done a lot of observations the day before and so I thought It would not be necessary for me to do another inventory, plus I was on a triple dose so I just relaxed like a beachcombing Nabob on all my pillow, closed my eyes and absorbed my father’s tonic rays. 2 hours into it, I decided to avoid a paternal scolding and put my clothes on again. I was in a relaxation mode, no expectation , just quietly waiting for something to start happening and to just become effortlessly aware whenit did . By that time the sun was straight up over my eyelids which were luminescent and I started noticing a hue of red that so far as I could recollect, I had never noticed before. I never bothered to check the time, but I knew that it most have been some hours since I had consumed the little squares. I was hopeful. Not long after I had convinced myself that I had never before on a similar sunny day had Iever noticed that particular hue of redness. I also noticed that whereas initially the color was diffused evenly Now some forms where beginning to take shape. It was encouraging. I focused my mind on those rather indistinct shapes and in a little while they became more defined. Eventually distinct enough that I thought I recognized them. I continued my observation of them and finally and then alas- with finality I concluded that I was looking at the most perfectly shaped and beautifully red colored jujubes.

60 dollars worth of jujubes?!! COME ON! Still I would not give up. I waited. There is got to be more than that! Patiently I concentrated on what definitely looked like a pile of jujubes with- eventually I reflected wisely- a chance of a sun stroke. By then I was also very hungry. All I had conjured as a vision was a bunch of jujubes! My thinking now was: 1 I am hungry. 2- I have been at it with the endurance and zeallike I was waiting for the second coming. 3- the jujubes had acquired a definite character of permanency and exchangeability. 4- I was stuck in jujubes!

I looked at my watch, I had been at it for over 6 hours. I did not close my eyes again. I did not want ot see jujubes. I took my pillows dumped . them in the van and took off to the store ten miles away. I met Millie. – I hear you have been sick! she said . we had a little chat. They were getting ready to close. We parted and I rushed to the bins. Jujubes…jujubes.. where the hell are you? I found them, I gawked at them like a kid. They were not the same. They will never be the same as in my vision. I decided to sleep in the parking lot. I reclined on my bed with my head against the large window and yeap! It is the season. All I needed was some flies stuck inside and yearning to get out. I know what I will be doing for the next hour or so. With my shot Glass to the rescue! Some are beyond being rescued they are so small. They are as small as the smallest comma and To trap them between the window pane and the shotglass is easy, but to slip a prepaid telephone card in between so to trap them and transport them out to freedom is almost impossible without injuring or guillotining them. So I name the smallest one NIETZKY, or Freddy. And I rantle and rave at him as I go about freeing the others. They are all zig-zagging up and down in a frenzy. They are barely visible yet I feel and I recognize their angst when in a hight of despair or in being disturbed by a big house fly they decide to ram through the invisible barrier knocking themselves silly. And when Nietzky resort to that, I chide him and yell at him, and curse at him “ the will to power Freddy, use it damn you!“ Yeah the Overman! THE OVERMAN IS THE ONLY WAY YOU STUPID S.O.B.! And you can’t be the Overman on this side of the glass! IT’s the other way! Where it is darkest, where you feel is most frightful dragon ! Into the dragon’s mouth Freddy! That is the way of the Overman , there, where it is naturally most abhorrent for you to think of going, there is the prize.

It was a heck of a day. I won’t even bother reding this thing. CAVEAT LECTOR. I changed my mind, did some corrections, my apologies.

P.S. Friedrick could not have meant will to power over others! So He was confused too.

L.S.D. 1, altered state ?

By Claudio Ianora
Last edited: Friday, September 03, 2010
Posted: Saturday, May 01, 2010

This short story is rated "PG13" by the Author.

minutes of first trip

I have taken a dose of L.S.D.　for the first time in my life. Following instruction I　had breakfast and　found a　comfortable spot　on the solitary sandy beach　facing a vast panorama　of　lake, mountains, snow peaks　sunbursts, clouds et all.　Could not have chosen a better day or a better spot.　I am expecting　a　parade of　Acid induced　strange　or at least unusual　experiences.　　 I have been keenly observing　for a couple of hours now　every　forms, colors, contrast etc　in my field of view　in order to assess　and record the minutes of my initiation to this altered state. ..　But　no, after hours of watching and feeling I have to conclude　that I have　been experiencing a　painter’s delight　kind of day　perhaps more vividly than usual on account of my intense attentiveness and expectations.　I have examined as perhaps never before all　nuances and features　of　the　clouds , large and small , bright and dark .　I have conscientiously observed　in depth all thing that struck my eyes. The　bright bursts of light here and there, the　gigantic　white wave　　 breaking　ever so slowly　over the　mountains　to the north. The　splattering　and　splashes of　tattered smaller　dark gray clouds　and the sprays of　sunlight　reflecting　off　the　 wind　ruffled surface of the lake　which alternately appear　　 like a　flock of birds of pure light which squirt　through the pupil　and get caught like brilliant diamonds on　to the occipital screen.　On the opposite shore　the hill that is closest to me is hazy against the diffused brightness　except　as it rises steadily out of it　so that at　the top its line　is strongly　silhouetted i n a Vandyke brown like color forming what really looks　like a hog’s back. Dark　and solid its humps stand against　distant　shafts of　light　revealing　 breaks in the tumultuous　cavalcade　which being low　and close to the　vanishing point are hidden　to view.　　 There are so many shapes　and they vary so much in the intensity of color and brightness. They　go from　Nickel’s patented somber dark bluish grays　or, oddly enough it occurred to me,　　 disturbingly glaucomic. like the　opacity　of　theTV screen when　the set is　off.　And then there are brilliant almost intolerably pure white thin sheets of vapor　filling in the spaces　between the heavier clouds.　　 Suddenly　one of these dark wanderers　obscures　the　sun　and　the mood changes abruptly. The　flock of pure light birds　disappear　and the wind swept surface of the long winding lake is　chilled　in shimmering　gray schist like tone which the moving waves transforms it before my eyes　into　the scaly skin　of a giant snake.　The enormous monster　is moving,　　 Slithering steadily northwards towards　Mount Thor and　Mount Odin . These great mountains　are still buried by the static fury of that　humongous　wave which I am inspire to read now　like the score of an orchestral fortissimo.　I hear and see　blinding blasts of　brass, billowing　luminous rising　choruses , pinkish flute sustained　notes　　 counterpointing　the more bombastic somberness of　horns　cymbals　and drums while at a more perpendicular　angle, up above me, isolated　pure cerulean　notes　pierce through　and ascend soprano like　out into the serene　yonder. By their　extraordinary　singularity they　directs my peripheral　visions　 to　acknowledge　with great　resolution the ominous　stampede　　 of　gigantic　dark　　 Jurassic　notes . Now　I feel　this is　overwhelming　me and　something kin to panic urges　my mind to pick out of a the whole enormous　and threatening score a　single clear point of　contrast　on which to anchor itself as it feels　about to　be　swept away or trampled　by this wildly turbulent flood of sensations. And　so my sight　is mercifully snagged and　clings　fast　onto the dark curving hump of the hog’s back and focusing intensely on it, finds stability as this most solid and stable　feature against the　oblique light squalls and surrounding　turbulence,　rends the tremendous　turmoil　and　placates it somewhat.　As I hang on　to it with relief　and steadily keep my　focus I　am surprised　to suddenly　 notice　coarse hair　on the hump of the　hog’s back　and coarse hair that is　sticking straight up just as the hair on the back of my own neck is immediately　electrified　to　do the same sending　 chill down my back.　Then just as shockingly　 every sense melds into　a jolting　charge of energy　which is apprehended finally as　a solipsist　special moment.　It　is- I recognize quickly, a　peremptory　　 declaration of the dominance of the　final cause that hit me as a blinding explosion　 which by　revelation　consumed　and annulled　　 completely all that had appeared to be real　or natural　up to that moment !　

　　 But what? WHAT ? WHAT DAMN IT!　And in the momentary　vacuum created by　my anguished suspense　a　sound　I heard !　It came not from out there　as a cloud shattering　booming voice one may be led to expect but　strangely　at the same time from a deep and yet　immediate within,　　 Echo like!　A recent　recollection… A feeble　　 yet so distinct and　a tender　a　word　that　stunned　me with　its absolute clarity and significant simplicity and　its transcendent meaning instantly　embedded itself　　 in the purest　　 amber　of the mind　forever complete　and perfect , one sound. The sound of a stirring babe.

　　 And yeah,　I know it is not hogs hair , and they were not birds of light and this huge shimmering snake is a lake and the　dinosaurs.... Well, I am not having an L.S.D experience but a　very normal if much reflected upon　experience on a picture perfect afternoon　all by myself . Author and spectator.　　 On a　solitary beach.　　　 I might have achieved the same effect snipping a tiny square off a 20$ bill and chewing on it for a couple of hours and　　 none would have been the wiser.　But I won’t give up yet as I had to do eventually with Marjy, Amanita　Muscaria and magic mushrooms.　I bought six little squares of strange paradise.　So　I　am planning a triple dose.　　　

　
Oh That Dog!

This guy, entrepreneur and adventurer, with a big dugout canoe on his front lawn. I have driven by his place lots of times wondering what that huge dug-out canoe was doing there. Eventually I found out that he had built it and paddled it all the way to Hawaii thinking of money and fame but somehow wound up getting neither. So he scaled back his entrepreneurship to the pre-great dream level that had proven dependable and satisfactory in the past; odd jobs and small deals. One day he went to visit an old man who lived on what was left of an old farm, which was a small lot with the old farmhouse and barn on it. In good time he got around to tell the old man the reason for his visit. For a share of the profit he would take down the old barn and sell the hewed timbers and the nicely weathered boards at a very good price.

- Would you like that?

-Sure!

-O.K. Great!

They shook hands. The old man went back to watch TV and the entrepreneur got down to business. He had done this before and he had brought along all that he needed for the job on the back of his old pickup. What he did first was to walk around the barn inspecting the exterior. This did not take long. Next he inspected the hayloft and found it empty and clean. Then he got to work. A couple of ¾ inch sheets of plywood served to block the hayloft door. After that he strapped and screwed the big double barn doors nice and tight. He would do the same with the small door at the very last minute. He then raked what straw and hay littered the floor in the center of the barn, connected a garden hose and hosed down a good part of the interior and for good measure the old man’s frisky young dog who was enjoying a bit too much all the unusual activities. When everything and dog was dripping wet, he fetched the dynamite, fuse, caps and string with which he hung the bundle from a beam at the approximate center of the barn’s interior. He chased the stupid dog out, shot the small door, took a good look around and finally when he was satisfied that everything was in order he lit the fuse. Unhurriedly he walked out, shot the door and proceeded to screw it good and tight. He was power driving the last 3 inch wood screw in when he caught a glimpse of the damn mutt heading to where the bottom of a board that had been chewed out enough so that the mutt could crawl in and out. He had missed it. Angrily he yelled at it to scare him off, but the dog’s head was already in and when then the guy screamed at it again the dog quickly scrambled in the rest of the way to safety. Or so the dog thought. There was nothing to do now. The man quickly put some distance between himself and the barn. A couple of seconds later the barn exploded. Dog notwithstanding, it went off like a charm. Nearly all the boards and shingle had blown off and the boards lay in a neat radial pattern in the center of which appearing out of a cloud of steam and smoke rose the frame, elegant as a Greek temple and intact. Not a sign of the stupid dog. The guy stood there scratching his head for a minute, and when he turned to look towards the house he saw the old man at the door scratching his head. Without saying anything he jumped in his truck and took off. Fifteen minutes later he came back with a bottle of expensive scotch and went into the house.

- Damn good job you did there! Just like you said, but I had to see it to believe it.

- Well...Yes, that is the good part. Then there is the not so good part. He responded sitting at the table and pouring the scotches.

- What part is that?

- I blew up your dog!

This stumped the old man for a second.

- GOOD!... The old man exploded happily slapping his knee. Damn thing… was nothing but a nuisance. A stupid good for nothing mutt!

- Good! Lets have a drink!

They were through most of the bottle and related stories - when they hear a scratching at the door.

THERE IS THE DOG!

NO!

They stare at each other and at the door in disbelief. Then there is another scratch and a hardly audible whimper.

-It’s the dog alright! He must be hurt bad.

- Oh that dog!

When they open the door the dog slinks in sideways wagging his tail, his body, his head and anything he can wag but apart from looking like he had just had an expensive punk hairdo there appears to be nothing wrong with him. Nothing physical anyways, but oh that inimitable dog-guilt looks that in this case had to try to match a hitherto unrecorded reaction! He had been told not to! Twice he had been told! But he had gone ahead anyways… and he had blown up the barn somehow. Or worse still, he had witnessed the unimaginable magnitude of man’s wrath!

I think I have died and gone to heaven! The problem with heaven is, as I suspected, that there is no one here, It is beautiful but I have no one to share it with. O well, I have been selfish so it is my proper punishment. Anyways this is one of the reflections about this place. It is the most perfectly charming cottage you can imagine. A love nest straight off the illustration of a fairy tale but with the beautiful princess missing and nowhere in sight! (thank goodness). To be more mundane, a twenty first century gingerbread house with all conveniences out of a big super special box from Ikea! Warm, cozy and welcoming , with a crackling fire, the fragrance of fresh brewed W.F. coffee and as I write this, the divine Callas (dead too) sings out of this electronic jewel box- “Casta Diva” for me.

Death must be a joke. Sketch it , or scatch it –I thought to myself- But where to start and how? The obviously accomplished journeyman who built it, and did so with more love and care than nails or screws must have wanted to concretize in pine, cedar, stucco and glass, his oneiric fantasy and so, how am I to then reduce it to simple lines? How to penetrate his secret and why? Even to try would be an injustice to him, and to me, an exercise in exposing yet again my frustrating limits of subjective art. So let me describe what I see in words as best as I can and then you put it all together in your imagination as it corresponds to your limitations. Part of the building walls an windows are based on two thirds of an hexagon base upon which rise the four isosceles triangles of the cathedral ceiling. This makes up the modern kitchen and dining area. On the south side where the two hexagonal parts are missing the building then opens up into a larger rhomboid or trapezoid parallelepiped area partly on the same floor level –this being the entrance or foyer I suppose and partly on a two steps upper level- which comprise the living room cum fireplace, and finally the sleeping loft suspended above the entrance hall overlooking al the other geometrical features of the place. There are skylights and stained glass windows here and there, Bow windows , nooks, angles everywhere avoiding as much as possible the square angle which Rudolf Steiner has banished from the anthroposophist culture ( with some cause I must say) but to the consternations of framers. Indirect lighting of course and at the vertex of the four isosceles triangles which compose the high apse-like ceiling, a fan. I always wanted one of those! To finish everything off, I have a large bathroom and a state of the art laundry room.

Ah sing of me Maria, sing of poor me in such an unearthly place… I feel quite a bit like the old man at the end of his 2001 Odyssey, when he pulls up a chair to sit to dinner all alone and the chair’s squeak bounces around in the hollowness of his place as do his memories inside his head. The memories of life, memories of a great journey that has led eventually to a place that is the state of onlyness. Ah I know how to make it less hollow! more real or believable… I will fix the screen door! Screen doors should (on earth at least) slap shut and make that typical cottagey sound that brakes the sleepy silence of early morning in cottage country.

And the best perhaps is that this is a place where dreams have overlapped. I love it when dreams overlap! Like the initial dreamer has moved on and this nice young Czech couple have moved in with their dream. They have built a statement of their fantasy which is considerably larger and more modern but still a vestigially traditional nest. That they are way out here speaks volumes about their psyche and it is reassuring to me. At first impression, he strikes me as a mix of stereotypical pragmatist of his origins with a modulating pioneer spirit and a straight shooter, which a beat-around- the- bush reprobate like me can only admire. She appear more inclined towards the muses’ softness. She said to me that she hoped I will like it here and stay. This by my plumb that has to go deeper than anyone else’s, I mentally reconstructed it to myself as - I hope I will like the me that will be stimulated to emerge in this setting. I should know in a couple of months. The only problem I have anticipated so far is not the remoteness, I like solitude, and I think it is proper for me to cultivate this characteristic at this time in my odyssey, but that it is a dead end road. There is something constricting about a three Km cul de sac, and I do enjoy my walks. But I like the stimulation of variety and this means that my walk will be pretty well the same every time but even more worrisome is the fact that there area couple of habitations on this stretch of road, and I am as sure that there will be dogs there as I am sure that they will be the barking kind of dogs...

No dogs! I went for a walk and no dogs or cats barked at me! This cabin must be Maya! And I am thinking that if this cabin is an illusion and the whole world is an illusion where or exactly in what element is located this thing that is dreaming of a cabin? Or since I pay 350 mayas a month, and the proprietor has a laboratory in the basement of his castle, is it possible that I was lured here because doctor Frankenstein wants to do some experiments on me? I am a drifter, no family, no friends, right? Yes! I am just what he needs to kick start his A.I. machine. He needs to upload the content of a living brain in it. So they invite me for dinner in his beautiful manor and they engage me in a polite conversation on topical themes appropriate for the occasion. I am polite above all so I make sure that I don’t spoil the light and elegant mood by straying on the heavy subject of the purpose for my being there. So he sounds me off, and he is satisfied that I seem OK as intelligence goes, maybe a bit quirky, but nothing major that he can’t adjust later. If it works he will be rich and famous, maybe gain control the world. When he is satisfied that my brain will do(poor man) he has his charming wife slip me a mickey in my cabernet-cabernet and the rest you know. What the neo doctor Frankenstein does not know, is that I am the last bodhisattva come to save my kind… I have no idea why we still presume that all the other kinds can go to hell, that only we are worth all the fuss! Mboo? Anyways he soon realizes his error. He gets the content of my brain in his machine and he finds out that my brain has evolved a H.K. (Humma-Kavula) Program, which is unknown and which he cannot control. It is of course the Supertranscendental-Inteligence-drive that has evolved through countless generations of self sacrificing atmans, bodhis, saints , martyrs, paracletes and a couple of whores and is indispensible as it is un-tamperable if my mission is to succeed; To end all strife and to begin the prophesized illuminated dispensation of love and peace in total knowledge for ever. AHHHHHH! He is ruined! If that happens his invention is worthless! What is he to do ?

Well I don’t know and I don’t care, I have to play house now, catch you later. cheers!

The chip

Eric came home with a tiny 1 Gigabyte chip. I was amazed!

Speechless I held it gingerly on the tip of my fingers and raised it like a Eucharist and at that moment all!… All and everything became doubt.

That night I could not sleep. I had to sneak down the stairs to look at that demonic little marvel. I did that three times. The third time I took a small box of wood matches, emptied and padded the inside little drawer with a paper tissue, placed the chip in the manger and then I- the king that had missed the first coming so long ago, got down on his knees and worshipped the new born.

The chip

Eric came home with a tiny 1 Gigabyte chip. I was amazed!

Speechless I held it gingerly on the tip of my fingers and raised it like a Eucharist and at that moment all!… All and everything became doubt.

this may be a copy

Last night, a bright star gazing night it was, for summer, and an insomniac. I tried to confirm through my senses what the mind had declared the last couple of years, that : - I am as good as all that if not more. Couldn't quite. Just not quite. But then later that morning, I did manage to fall asleep again, and I did it all over again in a dream. And it was wonderful! In it I went out there, stood on the same spot I had stood hours earlier and looked up but instead of the familiar parade of summer constellations I saw a chalk board brilliant. It was all lit up with sparkling algebra, ablaze with it! I could not understand it but I was overjoyed because I knew what it meant. It was revealing its soul in a universal language. It made me think of Russell's paradox, you know the antinomy case that something is but and only if it is not. And as soon as I thought of it, I saw it everywhere among those equations and formulae. Everywhere! Everywhere I tell you! The God principle! Life! Time and Space... Why... Death itself! -Death where is thy sting? Echoed the question like a laugh through my mind and the answer came clear as... -well the sting is there alright, death has not lost it. It is there and it is as effective as ever but only as long as we are successful in avoiding the unavoidable day in and day out. Shit! Then I thought of Toynbee whot had stumbled on a great paradox - things that are because they are not and vice versa I believe. The Buddha -he said- could not exit into Nirvana once he had it within his grasp, because to do so would have been selfish and thus negated it. And then, on a variation of it, he suggested that by piling up superlatives of divine but contradictory attributes on to God had the effect; that of making Him a monster. And all kinds of related thoughts moved in pressing as a crowd at Macy's boxing day sale! It was all falling into me like the Perseids that up to now though -I must say- have never failed to disappoint me. -Hell and chaos can be perfect! Screamed one mental headline! Whilst another claimed that Heaven could only be the realm founded on stupidity. God here too, was in this binding paradox. He could only appear as a burning bush, or something not in the nature of God, or else, the moment he would appear of his true nature he would simultaneously disappear... hell! Ditto for me in reverse. Death again... I was in a frenzy of paradox applications and of under the spell of Ars Magna up there on the universal chalkboard, when out of nowhere come two scholars who are jumping out of their skins about the algebra up there and vividly... hell! ebulliently congratulating Eric who apparently had just uploaded it up there on the big board. I was dumbfounded and jealous. Eric?! And to make it worse Eric took it all very calmly hardly paying attention to those two and the fuss they made about it and completely ignoring my peevish distraction.
Now I have more pieces of the puzzle. Does more puzzle pieces make less of a puzzle?

Everything Is This

29 June 2011

Highway momentino

foisted free will and derivative choices.

26 June 2011

The code of the Nazarene

22 June 2011

improvements make crooked roads straight but the old ones ...

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